The following jokes and
humorous anecdotes are among our favourites. We have grouped them to help make it easier to
find what you need for that important presentation or speech. Enjoy!
Got your own favourite? We'd love to include it on our site. Please
click here to submit.
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Bill Gates vs. GM
by Unknown - Circulated on the Internet
 At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following 10 characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day....
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Employee Evaluations
by Unknown, Circulated on the internet
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation at work, just remember, it could have been worse. These are, reportedly, actual quotes taken from Government employee performance evaluations.
• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
• "I would not allow this employee to breed."
• "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."...
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Change your course now
Captain: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Response: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Captain: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Response: No. I say again, you must divert YOUR course. ...
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| Courage | |
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From the cockpit
A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight. Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"...
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| Friendship | |
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Old Friends
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I have a wife and three children and ...
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The fisherman and the rat race
The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "only a little while."
"But then, why didn't you stay at sea longer to catch more fish?" asked the banker. The Mexican replied that those few fish were enough to support his family's needs....
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Intelligence gathering
The Native Americans asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"...
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The Intellects
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."...
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A letter to Dad
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her ...
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7 reasons not to mess with children
by Unknown - Circulated on the Internet
1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". ...
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| Passion | |
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Great Relationship
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. ...
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| Perseverance | |
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The Butterfly
by Charles M. Shultz
In an old Peanuts strip, Lucy finds what she thinks is a rare butterfly on the ground, and goes off on a long rant about how it must have flown up from South America. After several minutes of this Linus takes a close look at the object and exclaims, "This isn't a butterfly, it's a potato-chip!" ...
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Stress Relief
As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated....
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| Miscellaneous | |
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Mind over Matter
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen....
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